Sunday, December 02, 2007

The dynamics of Persistence



I often run across people who cant take no for an answer and unfortunately it becomes a problem when the no comes from a person who means it. And its sad to see that happen. Thats because everyone deserves happiness, and it doesn't come from holding on, it comes from letting go. I once realized long ago when I had cribbed over something long enough, and believed that I was unhappy and heart broken long enough that the greatest quality one can have is to be able to call it a day rather than to continue fruitlessly. I call it giving up with grace. Some times I wish others too would learn that lesson. It would make life so much easier for everyone concerned.
There can be various reasons for this obsessional persistence ranging from issues of self-esteem to simply having nothing better to do. But its never ever healthy. being persistent for a cause is ok, and is even desirable. Being persistent for the affections of another person is sick. And one never knows where it stops.

5 comments:

Nisha said...

Basically when you say no to someone, it sounds like a rejection. When we are getting rejected it is such a painful emotion and we cannot predict how we will react. Especially a rejection with betrayel is most painful.
I have some information that might help those who are feeling rejected how they might be able to move on in life.

Rejection comes in many forms, from having a painful/abusive childhood experience, feeling unloved by people that surround us, just going through a divorce/ or a break up in a relationship, lost or was recently turned down a a job, low self esteem, etc the list is endless.


What do you do when you are faced with rejection? Rejection occurs when our needs identified are not met. The needs could be emotional, psychologial, financial, relationship, etc. It could be overwhelming.

There are many signs of rejection

Difficulty in trusting people( for the fear of being hurt)
Anger
Pessimism
Inferiority Complex
Isolation imposed by yourself
Being over materialistic
Being extremely worried with your physical appearance, clothes worn, speech, look etc.
Possessive/obessessive in nature
A false sense of superiority complex.
A false sense of living life
Supersitious & suspicious of things/events around.
The list is exhaustive, but at some point in time we all fit into one category or the other.

Below are the causes of rejection.

A painful childhood experience.
A divorce/ broken relationship
Loss of a loved one.
Lack of parental care towards children and vice versa
Loss of a job
Feelings of insecurity.
Low self esteem.
Sexual rejection.
Mental/physical rejection.
Failure.
we could go on and on but it’s time to make up your mind to deal with rejection and its’ causes.

Identify the cause of rejection.
Take your focus off the rejection and begin to focus on ways to improve yourself.
Instances were you have lost your job/ job interview, re-assess what your skills are, don’t quit hunting for a job, be determined to succeed.
In broken relationships, realise that there are good men/women out there for you, don’t descend to looking unattractive or be rough in appearance, should you be going through a divorce which is a painful experience, learn to love/take care of your self and your children, support them & be there for them.
Meet & make new friends.
Take time out to rest.
Stop blaming yourself:Don’t put yourself in a position where you have negative feelings all through, that leads to depression.Remember you have self respect and dignity.
Dont waste your time thinking and hoping to change the person who made you feel rejected, dont wait for him/her to come back in your life and give acceptance and love.
Build your self confidence. Get up and be strengthened/motivated to face the challenges ahead.
Stop feeling worthless, remember everyone has a value we just need to discover were our skills and talents lie.
As much as possible avoid vengeance. Rejection triggers vengeance particularly when it involves personal relationships.
Learn to take risks.
The heart just wants to be heard and it's not listening to anyone, it wants to run after the person who rejected you, u become possessive of a thought of getting accepted. You create illusion for your self, and feel worthless till get the acceptance. "I am not good enough" if he/she doesnt want to me. "life is not worth living if he/she doesnt want me". And some feel i will make him/her accept me and love me. mostly these issues arise in childhood and parental love. So it is important to look into your childhood and childhood rejections and losses, this may help you to see that when one rejects u or say no to u.. u are just re-experiencing the whole childhood losses and it might make very difficult for someone to over come these feelings. If it is impossible to work it out with urself or talk over with a friend, i will advice one to seek counselling and get over the feeling of rejection and start living your life the way u wanted:) Coz We are all precious. We must love ourselves enough to let go of stuckness in life and embrace life with pleasure.

Finally, realise IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER NO MATTER THE SITUATION.

I know a wonderful story about feeling rejected. it is about a frog who wanted to see the moon smile and waited for it every day, while other frogs invited it to play and have fun and enjoy life, it was just waiting for the moon to smile and sadly it never happend. This is a wonderful children story, but i think i have typed a lot here. i must stop.

some of info was taken from the listeners blog.

i would like to see udit's comment as well:)

Nisha said...

"Being persistent for the affections of another person is sick. And one never knows where it stops."

I would really comment for the line when u said, "being persistent for the affections of another person is sick" I think you are being very harsh with your statement, being persistent to get others affection is not sick, it is very normal, it is a fundamental feeling, that happens in early childhood. But however when the child get rejected often enough, it becomes obbessive and tries a lot to satisfy its parents or care-taker that it loses itself. So mainly it lives for other without realising its true self and its true needs. When rejection takes place in adulthood, the childhood experiences re-awakened and the adult will feel like a lost child. it is such a horrible feeling and being a psychaitrist and using the word "sick" too much i feel. U might say suffering from some sort of psychological problems rather than term it sick.

udit said...

Nice cat -- i remember "the cat from out of space" well the question is who is stalking and whom???????????

Again there are two sides to this show
Persistent rejection or persistent acceptance
Is all that we need to be fair between?
Tragic though word rejection seems
When ones rejection is rejected by you
And ones acceptance is rejected all through
Gamut of rejection rejection rejection
Is what we are led to follow!
Persistence although is of rejection here more
Than persistence of acceptance you know

Persistence is not everyone’s cup of tea
You give up lots a life is short may be
To have a little received and cared for is great
Unknowingly we all do it for a thing sooner or late
A phase in life everyone goes through
To find happiness’ what we think is true
Who has seen if it’s actually made us happy?
when you get something you hardly care beware
when you lose something you may then be aware
Human nature is distinguished more than one can glare

Smiles in life are usually rare
Losses of smiles to some are often hard to bare
“no” is not all that simple a word
It comes with lot more meanings beware
We hardly look for reasons on calling a yes
But then when it is a “no” we all neither dare nor bare
To reason it out in each and every way
We walk pass a lot to find it anyway
It means lot more than announcer may care
“no, no more” meaning a life may no longer be there

Acceptance in life begins from the love
That brings all pain and is still better judged
The mother accepts the pain for a dream
Wonderful though that the world awaits with her
Rejection although begins in a way
From the baby rejecting the womb for its stay
Life is a cycle of rejection and acceptance
What’s graceful is what happens not what one presumes
It’s good to have both together persist
Appeal and resist, Appeal and resist, do continue to persist

udit said...

Persistent begins with the beginning of the world and ends when its “no, no more”

Nisha said...

I dont believe that life is a cycle of rejection and acceptance, Of course any terms can be used to justify the cycles of life. However I believe life is beyond acceptance and rejection, It is as it is, like light that shines on all without any discrimination, life is, just is as it is. But it is up to one person to find that awareness, When one have that awareness one will come to know that life is beyond any material concepts, When one become aware of life, one realises one cannot find happiness anywhere, it is within oneself.one cannot make another one happy. YOU CAN ONLY MAKE YOUR SELF HAPPY. However life is a journey, yet not an out-ward journey, it is an inward journey. self-reflections will help one to realise who he/she is or what one want with life. Yet Life is beyond and like the sun it shines on all without any discrimination. When one accepts his/her life with love one accepts oneself, rejection and acceptance never comes from another person. It comes from only yourself. YOU CAN ONLY REJECT OR ACCEPT YOURSELF. When your feelings evoked by an other person's dynamics of persistence,you are being affected, you are becoming emotional and fall into the trap of illusion. Just be as you are and continue your life however u want to live. Life is not about being fair or unfair, it is not cycles of rejection, it is beyond everything, it is a gift that was granted by essence of life, it is a gift of god, a gift of love.

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